A Plea From Your Friendly Neighborhood Black Friend Regarding Your Vote Tomorrow


Hey there guys, it’s me.

Your friendly neighborhood, non-threatening not like the rest of them, one of the smart ones amigo.

So, remember last week when I skipped my morning run to come over and explain Beyoncé’s Formation to you?

Or that time we spent three hours posing for the perfect Instagram photo to highlight how much you don’t mind Black people having their arm around you, while simultaneously calling attention to the fact that you know one of us?

Well, as a favor to me, it’s time we have just a small conversation about politics.  You know, that thing you always say you want to have but can’t find time for?

I know we spent some time last week, sitting at our local Chick Fil’ A, discussing how well suited Donald Trump is for office. You with your waffle fries and fried chicken sandwich, me with my…water.  You told me that I came across as distracted, and I told you that it was just because Tupac released a new record.

That’s not entirely true.

For one, he’s been dead for a just a few years now, and for two I was kind of floored by some of the comments you’d made.

“Charles, I just don’t know what [crazy melanin] people are getting so upset about, he’s a great business man [as made evident here – Trump the wonderful business tycoon!].  Okay, mayyyybe he went a little far with the [Mexican’s are rapists, grab them by the pussy, blood coming out of her vagina, totally want to bang my daughter, I might have raped a girl, Putin has a shiny dick, I ‘m not gonna say the KKK is right…but not gonna say they’re wrong either] calling the Pope disgraceful thing, but all around he’ll make this country great again.”  So, here’s the thing.  He really, really won’t.

Hey, hey hey hey, don’t go! Here, I’ll let you touch my hair, ok?

Yeah, yeah I know it is rather neat.

As I was saying…

I told you about when I’d gone to vote early last week didn’t I? It was a Wednesday, and I felt like holy hell, whatever bug floating around central Ohio bit me like, well, I really fear using too much simile here because I don’t want to lose you.

I was very sick.

I had to get it out of the way though, it’s a nice way to avoid the urine soaked smell of high schools and I hate lines.  An older white man was walking beside me through the parking lot and to the door, but before we reached it a woman came waving a slip of thick paper in her hand.

“Do you need a republican ballot sir!” She said, to which he breathed deeply, skimming over the many prepared words he’d had for her.

“No, I DO NOT need a republican ballot! Tra la la…” He said skipping to the early voting entrance.  She turned to me, and I expected her to ask the same.  This though, surprisingly, did not occur.  Instead she’d eyed me up and down, bound her cardigan tightly over her exposed t-shirt to dissuade the super predator lurking within me, and walked away.

She, unlike you I’m sure, was very aware of race.  Previous years when I’d gone to the same polling station, to not vote for Mitt Romney, it was a little different.  The same cookie cutter type would have at least smiled to me pleasantly, and asked do I want the slip.  While this is small, insignificant, micro aggressive if you will, I want you to realize that there has been a slightly askew (hey, that’s in my blog name!) view from your party.  There was at one point, an openness, a flicker of fading, but perceivable light that maybe we can see you as something else but batshit crazy.

Okay Brad/Becky/Todd/Rachel/Steve…stop pouting…here’s that thing you like to watch in the dark to cheer you up.


Okay? Okay.

I just mean to say that there was once a time when conversations were a possibility, when on a day to day, person to person level, that there’d been a fleeting chance we’d really try to understand each other.  This guy though? The one you say needs to make America [Jim Crow] again while saying you love your biracial grandkids/nieces/nephews? The one who promotes violence against minorities at his rally’s and you praise before asking me how awesome your trap rap Pandora station is? The one who, unlike you, and unlike me, is entirely focused on the subjugation of the poor to empower the rich?  Well, he is snuffing that light out even further.

To make a stand I am officially un-tagging myself from every twitter post you’ve made that shows us eating chicken wings together.  I’m no longer going to give you a like on Facebook for that comment you made which was racist, and you knew was racist because you had to ask me to like it.  I am no longer going to be friendly, neighborly, or anythingly that you need me to be to appease your guilt.

I’ll still hit up that Khalifa concert with you though, since I already bought the ticket.

Your brah,



7 thoughts on “A Plea From Your Friendly Neighborhood Black Friend Regarding Your Vote Tomorrow

  1. Well-written, poignantly insightful, and thoroughly funny post. Through all of this mudslinging from Cali to Jersey, it’s great to read a personal account providing a unique perspective.
    You have a really neat blog, CJE. It seems we’re both on the same path, pursuing publishing and all. I’ve just subscribed, because I seriously dig what you have going on here.
    Thank you for subscribing to me as well. If you hadn’t, I may have never found your blog!

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